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i feel absolutely horrible. evidently i don't matter that much. catherine was supposed to let me know when i could come see her today, except now she's leaving for Florida in a half hour, so i guess that's out the window. no one in my family seems to care that i'm home, or seems to care to ask me about anything... or talk to me... or anything. i'm the worst girlfriend in the world, and for that matter i am afraid that i won't be a girlfriend for very much longer. im completely and utterly disgusting. my stomach looks so big that i wish i could take something and cut everything off of it, and maybe i would like myself a little bit more. that's not meant to sound suicidal, because no matter how bad anything ever got, i would never kill myself. ever. no matter what i do, i manage to mess everything that matters to me up to such a degree that it is ridiculous. i am really glad i got to see sofi last night, and i am really excited to see sue and becca tomorrow, but those will probably be the only good things about my weekend. well, i got BBs but that only contributes to making me fatter than i already am, so oh well. i wish i was a good person. i wish i was a better friend and a better girlfriend and sister and daughter. but i am none of those, and it is my fault. and look at me! wallowing in self pity is the way to go. yay me. i don't know what to do to fix anything, and that kills me. getting yelled at breaks my spirit completely. i can't hear, i can't comprehend. when things are fast paced or if i am rushed i mess up everything and i honestly can't tell what's going on. i beat myself up over everything. i can't stand myself. everything was absolutely perfect for about two weeks until yesterday at 5 o'clock, and it was my fault, because everything is always my fault, and my stupidity, and my stupid self. i don't know. i tried sonic and they didn't give me back the right about of change. i gave them a 5 and it was supposed to be like, $2.53 or something, and they gave my back $1.47. and i said, wait isn't that wrong? and they said no. and i said oh i'm sorry. and they said it's okay i'm not good at math either. obviously you are not because you did not give me the correct change, so do not assume i am stupid, although i am, because of your mistake. i am horrible for still even thinking about that. i am horrible for everything. |
2008-10-03 at 6:22 p.m. |